"Judge-Aside: Packing the 'High' Court with Smart Dogs"

by

Michael Hafter

Freelance Journalist

(dated: tomorrow)

We hear a lot these days about ‘smart’ meters, ‘smart’ home appliances, and smart stuff like that. Even the Internet of Things is fast upon us.

My flat screen monitor is recording my every move now, and forwarding real-time images to destinations unknown.

If you’re not careful, your refrigerator will be ordering freon cocktails and green amperes behind your back, without your knowledge.

“Hey! I been hacked,” you exclaim in vain protest. “Why are freon cocktails from Dimona showing up on my credit card statement?”

Now, the latest from one of those “smart” East Coast universities -- you guessed it, Harvard –- has seen a recently sponsored debate whether whites should kill themselves.

Well, I’m looking at my skin, and it’s not exactly “white” -- fortunately. I was flown to Harvard back in 1977 for a conference on computer mapping, and nobody said I was “white.”

My walls are closer to “white” -- more like a pearl white, because my expert painter recommended 4 drops of black paint mixed into each gallon of white paint.

That trick, honestly, makes dust a lot harder to notice.

It’s also the same reason why I’ll never buy a “black” car again -- dirt is always much more obvious on “black” cars -- not to be confused with the “black” race, mind you.

Really, the black people I’ve known were never anything like the one “black” car I’ve owned.

Their skin colors ranged from light brown to dark chocolate, but never “black” -- as when emitting no light whatsoever.

This controversy has reached such a fever pitch, do not be surprised if it ends up at the Supreme Court some day very soon.

Problem is: the “law” now says they need 6 “justices” to reach a quorum, and already 5 have turned up with missing credentials, leaving only 4 qualified.

Oops! I already forgot the late Antonin Scalia. Make that 6 have turned up with missing credentials, leaving only 3 qualified.

We are definitely in the throes of a downward trend here.

With a mistake like that, I’ll probably get beat or bitten (or both) by smart dogs who challenge me to a game of speed chess at the next County Fair.

Here’s a modest proposal: let’s round up 9 very intelligent dogs. You know, canines that are not only loyal, but friendly, safe with children, and always ready for a round of “fetch” or a frolick in the ocean.

We can oust the current crop of crooks now donning “black” robes up there, and replace them with the 9 most intelligent dogs we can find anywhere on planet Earth.

The new American National Anthem will read “Dogs Arise, Judge Asides!”

Oh say, can you see? Did your dog just tinkle on me?

Just US, American style!

I’ll just have to wait to hear our 9 dogs bark in unison: “Sit. SIT!”

“But,” I reply. “There aren’t any chairs for Americans like me.”

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