Time: Mon Mar 17 08:03:17 1997
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Date: Mon, 17 Mar 1997 07:57:42 -0800
To: (Recipient list suppressed)
From: Paul Andrew Mitchell [address in tool bar]
Subject: SLS: [SacredBull] Federal Bathtub Safety (fwd)
<snip>
>================================================================
>SacredBull Newsservice mail list: Because Ridicule is a Weapon.
>================================================================
>The following was written last year. But in light of the recent Midnight
>Fall of William Jefferson Clinton, it seems especially timely...
>
>-----
>
>Political Leaders React to Bathtub Coma Threat
>
>by Bob Newland
>Newland publishes the Buffalo Chip Gazette in Hermosa, in the Black Hills.
>He claims to practice safe bathing.
>
>On October 20, 1996, President Clintock slipped in his bathtub, striking
>his head. Doctors prognosticated almost immediately: probably the president
>will be in a coma for years, probably until death from other causes.
>
>Acting-president Val Shore called a special joint session of Congess, the
>Supreme Court and the entire Executive Branch. Calling the comatose
>president a "great leader," he asked Congress for a bill within ten days
>which would "forever end the fear of the American people of slipping in
>their bathtubs."
>
>Republican Nominee Bob Old, calling the comatose president a "great, great,
>leader," nonetheless excoriated the Democrats in Congress for having
>blocked his "Prevention of Sudden Bathtub Coma Act of 1995," which would
>have mandated sand-covered non-slip strips in all newly-installed bathtubs.
>He further promised, if elected president, an additional 5% tax cut to
>those who converted their current unsafe tubs to the new safe technology.
>"This," he consoled the nation, "will assure that future generations of
>children can live safe from the fear of growing up in single-parent homes
>like Dulcie Clintock will now have to do."
>
>South Dakota Senator Dom Tizzle, Minority Leader, convening a special
>session of the Democratic National Committee, called the comatose president
>a "great, superlatively great, leader." Noting that the Democrats had
>blocked the Bathtub Coma Act because the Republicans had only wanted to
>benefit the rich who could buy new bathtubs, he charged Bob Old with
>plagiarism for "stealing the Democrats' idea of giving a tax break to those
>who voluntarily coma-proof their tubs." He further suggested removing "our
>great fallen leader" from the ballot, since campaigning would be a strain
>on him, and replacing him with "our great standard-bearer, Val Shore."
>Shore then nominated Tizzle to replace Shore on the ballot. The vote was
>unanimously favorable to Shore and Tizzle.
>
>House Speaker Moot Grinch, calling the comatose president a "great and
>honorable leader," asked for a "bipartisan revolution to forever end the
>threat of bathtub coma." He outlined a ten-point plan to "assure swift and
>sure assistance to those who voluntarily coma-proof their tubs, and swift
>and sure punishment to those who neglect to do so. No longer will the
>American people have to suffer because some of their negligent neighbors
>fall in their tubs and become public burdens, as has our great president."
>
>South Dakota's Republican Senator Harry Puzzler, in a contentious race for
>re-election against challenger Democrat Representative Jon Timson, pointed
>to Puzzler's own co-sponsorship of the Bathtub Coma Act of 1995, and
>charged Timson with "liberal negligent disregard for the safety of South
>Dakotans" for his opposition to the act. Puzzler said, "This horrible
>tragedy which has taken from us such a 'fine and honorable, indeed, great'
>man should not be allowed to ever strike any family in America again. Only
>through conservative South Dakota values, like mine, can we achieve victory
>over the fear of bathtub coma."
>
>Timson replied that Puzzler, as usual, was soft in the face of a threat. He
>announced introduction of the "Clintock Act," which would require bathtub
>manufacturers to install "Slip Chips" in all new tubs. The "S-Chip" would
>send out a traceable radio signal to roving federal tub-patrol vans if the
>non-slip strips had been removed from the tubs. "How can we better remember
>our 'great, great, I can't tell you how great,' fallen president than by
>passing the Clintock Act on the first day of the new Congress?" He then
>added, "Without compassionate no-nonsense real South Dakota values, like
>mine, no South Dakotan can feel safe from governmental intrusion."
>
>South Dakota congressional candidate Democrat Wick Rylin said, "There's no
>reason that rich corporations can't pay a little more of their share to
>keep America safe from Bathtub Coma. Our great fallen president is
>testament to their greediness."
>
>Rylin's Republican opponent, Thon Joon, said "It's as simple as this.
>People will not voluntarily coma-proof their own tubs. They will fall and
>get hurt and the taxpayer and insurance premium-payer will foot the bill.
>Only one thing will get their attention; imprisonment for failing to
>comply. I propose a new branch of the Justice Department, under a Bathtub
>Czar, with sweeping powers to enter and search without knocking, and to
>take offenders directly to incarceration. This will not be an invasion of
>privacy or a violation of the Bill of Rights, as some of my limp-wristed
>opponents have suggested, but a 'great insurance against the great fear
>that some day, a future leader as great as our great fallen president' will
>again be taken from us in such a great tragedy."
>
>Republican Public Utilities Commission candidate Louie Rettler said, "When
>a leader as great as our great comatose president is taken from us so
>tragically, it's up to all of us to report anyone we know who threatens to
>cause a public burden by not coma-proofing their tubs."
>
>Democrat PUC candidate Bam Pelson proposed a "South Dakota 'Slip Not And
>Report Everyone' (SNARE) program" in the schools, enlisting children--the
>younger the better--in reporting "anyone" whose bathtub isn't coma-proofed.
>She further suggested that no agency would be better prepared to
>immediately administer the program than the PUC. "After all we have a huge
>well-paid staff with little to do. I'm sure our 'great, oh, so great'
>fallen president would have suggested just this, if he weren't comatose."
>
>Every County Auditor, County Treasurer, County Commissioner, and Sheriff
>candidate in South Dakota issued statements calling for extended powers
>(and funds) to be granted their positions so that they could enforce
>whatever new laws were passed. Every one pledged to act with "swift and
>sure force to stem the tide of terror" over sudden tub coma.
>
>South Dakota Corrections Secretary Bluff Boombeg and Attorney-General Bark
>Marnett issued a joint statement; "While hating to increase the tax burden
>on South Dakotans, we fully endorse the movement against bathtub coma
>terror in this great nation and this great state, and in full reverence for
>our great fallen president, we ask the next legislature to add four per
>cent to the current South Dakota sales tax, to be dedicated to the building
>of four new prisons, the hiring of 600 new prison guards, and the formation
>of a special bathtub task force. We can't sit idly while this terror lurks
>in even one South Dakotan's home."
>
>Every major-party Legislative candidate promised to submit bills to fill
>"the needs of local and state government in fighting tub coma terror."
>
>South Dakota Highway Patrol Superintendent Bean Jablallah offered the use
>of Highway Patrol Armored Personnel Carriers. "The Highway Patrol is
>anxious to give any assistance possible to alleviate the palpable fear in
>this state, the fear caused by the threat of sudden tub coma. How can
>people be safe from drivers on the highways and byways who neglect personal
>safety and responsibility in their own homes?"
>
>A few alternative-party and independent candidates in South Dakota and
>nationwide denounced the "Bathtub Safety Act Movement" as "hysteria." News
>outlets suggested the alternative candidates were once again demonstrating
>their "fringe views," and lamented the absence of "serious" alternative
>candidates.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>================================================================
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>================================================================
>
>
========================================================================
Paul Andrew, Mitchell, B.A., M.S. : Counselor at Law, federal witness
email: [address in tool bar] : Eudora Pro 3.0.1 on Intel 586 CPU
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