Time: Sat Nov 02 10:16:00 1996
To: kimb <kimb@nebfef.com>
From: Paul Andrew Mitchell [address in tool bar]
Subject: Fun stuff
Cc: Neil Nordbrock
Bcc:
Hi Kimb,
I do remember you as this ravishingly
beautiful woman with adoring children
and an equally proud father, so how
could I forget?
Isn't it great that Neil and Evelyn
are using email now? Their old I/O
card was built with the slow UART's,
so I upgraded their hardware, and now
they have a high-speed external modem
and also a second parallel port, to
connect their multi-function HP OfficeJet.
I also talked them into buying Eudora Pro
Version 3.0 (the very latest), and they
are just delighted. I am over there often;
I feel like their adopted son (my gain,
for sure). They are still making beginner
mistrakes; do you handle Eudora Pro support
at your help desk? (Just kidding.)
They are taking to it like salmon to
a fresh mountain stream. They are such
wonderful people; I am so blessed to
have them as friends.
Do you want to be friends too?
I am standing by.
/s/ Paul Mitchell
P.S. Thanks for the great laughs.
I posted them to every email list
I have, and the laughter is audible
throughout the noosphere. Later, okay?
At 10:44 AM 11/2/96 -0600, you wrote:
>Hi Paul,
>
>I don't know if you remember me or not, but I am Neil's daughter. I met you
>briefly when we were there in June. Anyway... I talked to dad and Ev
>lastinght and he gave me your email address, thought that you might enjoy
>these that I have received. I am using Netscape 3.0 and we have
>Groupwise for our email system. I am a Helpdesk Specialist and work
>with computers everyday. If you have any cool websites, let me know.
>
>
>Take care and email you later ;-)
>
>##########################################################
>
>TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
>
>10. GUARANTEED TO GET AT LEAST A LITTLE SOMETHING IN THE
>SACK
>9. IF YOU GET TIRED, WAIT 10 MINUTES AND GO AT IT AGAIN
>8. THE UGLIER YOU LOOK, THE EASIER IT IS TO GET SOME
>7. YOU DON'T HAVE TO COMPLIMENT THE PERSON WHO GAVE YOU
>CANDY
>6. PERSON GIVING YOU CANDY DOESN'T FANTASIZE YOU'RE
>SOMEONE ELSE
>5. IF YOU GET A STOMACH ACHE, IT WON'T LAST 9 MONTHS
>4. IF YOU WEAR YOUR BATMAN MASK, NO ONE THINKS YOU'RE
>KINKY
>3. DOESN'T MATTER IF KIDS HEAR YOU MOANING AND GROANING.
>2. LESS GUILT THE NEXT MORNING
>1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT
>DOOR!
>
>##########################################################
>
>Preparation for Parenthood
>> ****************************
>>
>>Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
>>decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
>>to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a
>>mother or father.
>>
>>1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
>>beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,
>>take out 10% of the beans.
>> Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the
>>contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help
>>himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
>>directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read
>>it for the last time.
>>
>>2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
>> already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
>> of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have
>> allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might
>> improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners
>> and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life
>> that you will have all of the answers.
>>
>>3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from
>> 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at
>10pm
>> put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up
>> at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.
>> Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am
>>
>> and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the
>> alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for
>> 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
>>
>>4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
>> butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger
>> behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in
>> the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
>> crayons. How does that look?
>>
>>5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
>> octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string
>> bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all
>> morning.
>>
>>6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,
>> turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch
>> tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a
>> milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and
>>
>> make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have
>> just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
>>
>>7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave
>> it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
>>like
>> that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
>>compartment.
>> Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
>>
>> family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back
>seats.
>>
>> Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There!, Perfect!
>>
>>8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go
>> out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.
>> Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk
>> very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely
>every
>>
>> cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect
>>
>> along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as
>> you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up
>> and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a
>> small child for a walk.
>>
>>9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
>>
>>10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
>> can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If
>> you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy
>> your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay
>> for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily
>> accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
>>
>>11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
>> the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
>> Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by
>> pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops
>> are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it
>> falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.
>>
>>12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends,
>Sesame
>> Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself
>singing
>>
>> "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a
>> parent.
>
>##########################################################
>
>Can you believe that these things really happen?
>
>So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following
>excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --
>
>
>1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
>"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
>"Any" key is.
>
>2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
>was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
>to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
>
>3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
>complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
>from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and
>heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
>customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
>typewriter to type the labels.
>
>4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
>diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
>along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
>
>5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
>floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
>the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,
>getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
>
>6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
>computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
>the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
>paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
>the "send" key.
>
>7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
>a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
>me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead
>was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
>me to find a couple of geeks."
>
>8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
>no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
>soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing
>all the keys and washing them individually.
>
>9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
>enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
>invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
>nd "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
>
>10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
>get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
>was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
>pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
>this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
>to be the computer's mouse.
>
>11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
>brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
>unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
>something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
>the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
>
>12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
>Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
>Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
>Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
> period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
>Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
>Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
>Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
> I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
> at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
> Does it have any trademark on it?"
>Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
> promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
>
>At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
>couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the
>CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
>
>##########################################################
>The OJ Trial as Told by Dr. Seuss
>
>I did not kill my lovely wife.
>I did not slash her with a knife.
>I did not bonk her on the head.
>I did not know that she was dead.
>
>I stayed at home that fateful night.
>I took a cab, then took a flight.
>The bag I had was just for me.
>My bag! My bag! Just let it be.
>
>When I came home I had a gash.
>My hand was cut from broken glass.
>I cut my hand on broken glass.
>A broken glass did cause the gash.
>
>I don't have anything to hide.
>My friend, he took me for a ride.
>
>Did you take this person's life?
>Did you do it with a knife?
>
>I did not do it with a knife.
>I did not, could not kill my wife.
>I did not do this awful crime.
>I could not, would not anytime.
>
>Did you hit her from above?
>Did you drop this bloody glove?
>
>I did not hit her from above.
>I cannot even wear this glove.
>I did not do it with a knife.
>I did not, could not kill my wife.
>I did not do this awful crime.
>I could not, would not anytime.
>
>And now I'm free and can return
>To my house for which I yearn.
>And to my family whom I love.
>Hey, I'm free...give back my glove!
>
>
Return to Table of Contents for
Supreme Law School: E-mail